Choices and Decisions
by Akai-neechan
Summary: It's time to finally leave Duel Academy, but can Jesse really do that? Will his new decision to stay away from Jaden be easy? Can he even do it? Spiritshipping, Sequel to It's Written All Over Your Face. Not an Oneshot.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Ok, end of the countless OneShots

_A/N: Ok, end of the countless OneShots. But NO end to the Spiritshipping angst! I'm officially making this into something more than an OneShot XD I was thinking of combining them all into one, but there's no use in it. I'll just continue it from here. So, I'll try to make every chapter a songfic, but I'm not so sure I'd be able to find appropriate songs for each one... Also I'm still not sure I have enough ideas to make it into a story, but I'll try. Only today I got enough ideas for the first couple of chapters. So, here it is._

_And, another thing – please, forgive my lousy try at writing down the Australian accent x.x It's my first try at it and I hope I won't fail at it too badly... Gotta warn you, there'll be a lot of it x) But the story is still Spiritshipping, don't worry :P I just like Jim as a character and he'd have some role in it from time to time._

_This A/N has become longer than needed. So, one last thing: Most of the story /probably not all of it, but still/ will be Jesse POV. Please read and review. Enjoy._

**Choices and Decisions**

_It was one of those great stories that you can't put down at night  
The hero knew what he had to do and he wasn't afraid to fight  
The villain goes to jail while the hero goes free  
I wish it were that simple for me_

I look at the room one more time. All right, all of my things are here. I haven't left anything behind. Nothing at all. I had a lot of time last night to check the dormitory a few times. I'm certain everything is here.

Damn, I hope the ship will leave already. Sure, it might have sounded easy at first, but now...

I don't know what I'd do if I saw you again, Jaden. I don't want to leave you and I want you to know that. I need you to know that. But I can't tell you. I can't make everything worse. It's hard enough for both of us as it is.

Yet I'm not sure weather I'd be able to stand it if I saw you one more time. I managed to avoid you since that time we went to the principle... And I have the feeling you've been looking for me.

I don't want to leave you behind. I can't leave you behind. But that's exactly why I have to.

For you chose Yubel. Not me. You have the right to chose, you made your decision. And I have to respect that decision if I love you at least a little.

And I love you much more that 'at least a little'.

_And the reason that she loved him  
Was the reason I loved him too  
And he never wondered what was right or wrong  
He just knew, he just knew  
_

I move a hand trough my hair as I step out of my personal room on the ship and go out and to the stairs that now connects the vessel to the ground. Everyone is there. All of them from Jim and Axel whose luggage is still with them, to Alexis, Atticus, Syrus, Hassleberry and even Chazz and Zane.

All of them came to see us off, eh? I shouldn't be surprised. But I can't help but wonder...

Why aren't you here?

Though it's better this way. Much better. I won't break, I'm won't do something stupid...

If you're not around, I won't have the chance. I'm glad you're not here, actually. I wouldn't have been able to tell you goodbye if you were. I know I wouldn't have.

_Shadow and shade mix together at dawn  
But by the time you catch them simplicity's gone  
So we sort through the pieces my friends and I  
Searching through the darkness to find the breaks in the sky  
_

"What'cha doin' up there, mate?" I blink at Jim's voice. Everybody's looking at me and it seams really strange. "Ya wanna go home that badly?"

"Ah, no, not at all!" It's not that hard to smile when it's only for them. It's not that hard to be casual. It's not that hard to fool them.

Not as hard as it is with you.

I quickly go down the stairs to them all and the next few minutes go by in a haze. It's almost like I've switched my body on autopilot as none of the kind 'goodbye's we share really register to me.

But I'm glad that they keep buying it – all of the kind word and warm smiles with no meaning behind them...

Still, I know you wouldn't have.

_And the reason that she loved him  
Was the reason I loved him too  
And he never wondered what was right or wrong  
He just knew, he just knew_

"Hay, am I late?"

They all turn at the voice and I can feel my heart bang against my chest.

How am I going to get trough this? All it takes to ruin my hopes of leaving this place without any problems is seen your face.

Why did you have to come? It would have been so much easier. For you, for me, for both of us. You know that. You know it too well.

For the shortest seconds our eyes meet and I feel the breath die in my throat.

Why? Why must it be so hard to even be around you? Aren't we just friends? Aren't we supposed to be just friends?

Why can't I forget about this? Why can't I even pretend I've forgotten?

_And we wonder yes, we wonder  
How do you make sense of this  
When the hero kills the maiden  
With his kiss, with his kiss  
_

I can't help it any longer. I don't care if anyone sees it, I don't care if it'll ruin me later. I just can't help it.

There's some kind of commotion around, but it doesn't register. You're all that I can see and hear and my feet start moving on their own.

I grab your hand and start dragging you after me.

Oh, I'm so going to regret this later... But it's too late now. The others are gone behind the trees and it's only you and me.

And nothing can stop me anymore.

"Jes-"

I don't even let you finish as I swing on my heels, cup your face with both hands and...

And I kiss you.

I've never imagined what a light, soft touch of lips could do to me. I can feel my blood, my body and my entire existence burn with desire and passion.

And as you answer my kiss, it gets even worse. Like a fever, like the effect of a drug, it spreads over my entire body and nothing matters any more.

And then, just when I think I've got it all...

You pull away.

_Well, it was one of those great stories that you can't put down at night  
The hero knew what he had to do and he wasn't afraid to fight  
The villain goes to jail while the hero goes free  
I wish it were that simple for me  
_

"Jess-"

"I love you."

I won't let you say anything. I can't let you say my name – every time you do, it makes things worse. It makes it harder. To just be next to you, to even think about you.

I feel like I'm in a daze of some sort. Everything around seams so... unreal. I'm on the edge of breaking down and you're the treat that's holding me in one piece.

"I'm sorry."

It's all you have to say to tear my world apart. My heart shatters into millions of millions of pieces before my very eyes as the tears finally start to run down freely.

My hands move down an I clench handfuls of your jacket, burying my head in it. I can't stand the sight of your face. I can't stand the heat that radiates from you. It's too much. Even being close to you... It's too much.

I push you back a little as I suddenly turn and my control over my body is back.

I run as fast as I can with the single thought of getting away from you crossing my head.

Because I can't be around you. I can't allow myself to do something like that again. You don't need me any more, you made your choice.

So who am I to stay in your way?

_Were that simple for me_


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: I came up with a title -happy- It was last night when I was thinking trough what has to happen and I realized how many times it's going to get to the point where the characters make big choices an decisions. That's where it came from x) I hope it's as appropriate as I think it is._

_I'm really glad that so many of you like it. And don't worry, there's much more angst from where that came from xP And sorry, Zakksu, that won't happen XD At least not with Yusei. And as I said earlier this story is Spiritshipping only._

_This chapter will be Jesse POV again. Enjoy._

**Choices and Decisions**

_No matter how hard I try  
You keep pushing me aside  
And I can't break through  
There's no talking to you  
It's so sad that you're leaving  
It takes time to believe it  
But after all is said and done  
You're gonna be the lonely one, oh  
_

It hurts... It hurts so much...

It wasn't this bad until now. Why did it have to become this painful? Why did I have to go and do that? I knew better. I knew it was going to ruin everything.

Then why did I go and do it? Why didn't I stop myself? Why couldn't I stop myself?

I love you. I love you so much. And I know you do, too. But did I really want to know that? Maybe if I didn't know and thought you didn't care for me... Maybe it would have been easier. So much easier.

Still, I know I wouldn't have believed that. Not after everything you've said to me, not after everything you've done for me.

I saved you from Hell and you went back to get me. Isn't that enough prove that you love me?

I know it is. I always believed it was. I never doubted it, I could never doubt it.

But maybe if I had tried, if I had at least tried to think of it in another way...

Maybe you did it because we were friends?

Why didn't I think of it this way? Then maybe if I believed you did it because of that... It could have been this much easier to just leave.

Why was I such a fool?

_Do you believe in life after love  
I can feel something inside me say  
I really don't think you're strong enough now,  
Do you believe in life after love  
I can feel something inside me say  
I really don't think you're strong enough now  
_

I'm getting tired, but I can't stop running. Had I really been running for that long? I don't know. I can't know.

Time, distance, nothing like that registers to me. I don't even know where I am any more. I just want to get away. Away from the pain, away from the hopeless dreams.

Away from you.

If there is really nothing I can do now, I can't stand to be around you.

It'll only keep killing me, slowly and painfully... But then...

Why does it keep hurting when I'm already far from you? Why won't the pain stop? Why won't it all go away? Why?

I clench my eyes once again as another branch hits my face. It doesn't matter how many scratches I get, it's all worth it if I get away. Physical pain is nothing compared to what I'm feeling right now and-

"Uh..." What did I hit? A tree? No, this isn't a tree...

"Wotch it, mate," I blink my eyes open and look right at Jim. Why...Why did I have to bump into someone!? What am I supposed to do now!?

It doesn't seem to take him long to realize the state I'm in. Why didn't I bump into someone stupider, at least? Someone who would believe some idiotic excuse...

"What's up, Jess? What ha-"

"Jesse!"

_What am I supposed to do  
Sit around and wait for you  
Well I can't do that  
And there's no turning back  
I need time to move on  
I need love to feel strong  
'Cause I've had time to think it through  
And maybe I'm too good for you, oh  
_

He's cut from the voice that echoes trough the trees and my heart all but stops when I hear it.

No. No, no, no, no! You... you couldn't have!

"Jesse, where are you!?"

I can't.. I can't see you again. I can't be around you any longer.

I can't allow you to reach me. I can't allow you to find me. I can't!

Pushed forward by something really resembling panic, I push Jim out of my way and jump behind some bushes, hiding behind the trunk of a tree.

I can hear your steps – you've been running after me, then? Why don't you just leave me alone? Why, after what you said... Why don't you turn your back and just forget about me? You choose to be with Yubel, why chase after me, then?

Why do you have to make things harder, as well? Why, Jaden, why?

The footsteps are getting louder. You're coming this way. You'll find me, you'll see the state I'm in... I don't want you to see me like this. I don't want you to find me...

I can feel my body trembling, the tears spilling from my eyes. Why can't I calm myself down? Every step closer you take seams to break me more and more.

I can't see you. If I want to keep what little sanity is left within me, I need to stay away from you.

Why won't you allow me to do that?

_Do you believe in life after love  
I can feel something inside me say  
I really don't think you're strong enough, no  
Do you believe in life after love  
I can feel something inside me say  
I really don't think you're strong enough, no  
_

Just when I feel like you've caught me you stop dead in your tracks and a growl is followed by your yelp. Wait, was that...

"Sorry 'bout that one, mate. Shirley's not too happy to be leavin' this place. Think she got too used to it."

"Jim! Have you, have you seen Jesse around? Please, tell me!"

I can't breath. I'm trembling so much I don't know how I can stand on my feet any longer.

You'll find me. You'll know I'm here. You... you... you...

"'Fraid not. But I think I heard something o'er there."

"Thank you!"

My eyes snap open and I can breath again. I can hear you getting farther, running in a different direction.

Raged gasps are my only source of air right now, but it's better than nothing. When I can no longer hear your voice I allow my feet to give up, sliding down to the ground with a quiet 'thud'.

How did I let things get like this?

I grasp my head with both hands.

How did this happen? How did I allow it to go this far?

"Ya ok, mate?" Jim's here. Right in front of me. I don't need to look up to know. I didn't need to hear his light footsteps to know he's here.

"Thank you," I chock between sobs and gasps for air. "Thank you..."

He kneels right next to me and puts a hand on my head. It's such a simple, friendly action that would usually make things so much better... But why doesn't it work now? Why doesn't it have any effect?

I can't even calm down. I can't stop crying. I can't stop thinking of what I did. I can't stop blaming myself.

I can't stop loving you.

_Well I know that I'll get through this  
'Cause I know that I am strong  
And I don't need you anymore  
No, I don't need you anymore  
Oh, I don't need you anymore  
No, I don't need you anymore  
_

"How could I... how could I do it..." Jim doesn't need to know, but I can't keep it all to myself. It's too much. I have to tell him. I have to tell someone.

I won't be able to stand it otherwise.

"Do whot?" He's not really rushing me. It's because I take so long to get my voice to cooperate. He's trying to help me... And I wish he could.

But no one can help now. Not he, not even you. I don't think there's any way for things to get better.

"I ruined everything... everything... we were... we were friends and he... he made his choice..." I'm not sure weather I'm making any sense at all. Probably not. It wouldn't make any sense to me of someone said that... Still I can't even form a normal sentence in the state I'm in. Why do you do such things to me?

"I... I should have accepted it.. then why..." My hands clench into fists, grabbing teal locks into a strong hold.

"Tell me whot happen'd, all right?" His voice is soft, warm and concerned. I wonder what he'll think when he hears the reason. Oh, God, I'm not sure I can tell him... What if he's too freaked out from me? What if he thinks it's wrong?

"I... I..." If I don't say it now, though, it'll only be harder later. I need to lay it all out, I need to tell somebody. "IkissedJaden."

The word come out so fast I don't think he can tell them apart.. but maybe he can.

Silence befalls us and the only thing that can be heard is my pathetic sobbing. How did I... let things go this bad?

_Do you believe in life after love  
I can feel something inside me say  
I really don't think you're strong enough, no  
Do you believe in life after love  
I can feel something inside me say  
I really don't think you're strong enough, no  
Do you believe in life after love  
I can feel something inside me say  
I really don't think you're strong enough, no  
Do you believe in life after love  
I can feel something inside me say  
I really don't think you're strong enough, no _


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N: A million and one thanks to WhiteAsukalover for the wonderful idea! I can't believe I hadn't though to look for a Simple Plan song yet! I love that band, after all XD I wasn't sure about the song I had picked for this chapter, but when I remembered this one, it fit perfectly! Thanks!_

_Ok, ok, so off with the rambling, on with the story. I see there are a lot of you who want to read it, so here you go._

_This chapter is in Jesse POV once again. Behold the awesome angst._

**Choices and Decisions**

_I'm taking my time,  
I'm trying to leave the memories of you behind,  
I'm gonna be fine,  
As soon as I get your picture right off of my mind  
_

I'm lying on my side in the darkened room and stare at the shadows dancing on the wall. Or that's what it seams, at least. Everyone who saw me would think I was doing that.

But they'd be wrong. Too wrong.

I'm not staring at the shadows. I don't even know if they are visible any more.

I'm lying on my side in the darkened room and the only thing I can see is your face.

You're not here. If you were here, I wouldn't be.

And though you're not here, I can still see you.

Isn't this too much? Why can't I have at least a little piece?

Though... It would never be piece for me if you weren't here. It would never be piece if I wasn't around you.

But if I went to you now, I'd just go away running again. I won't be able to stand it, like I wasn't today.

Or was it yesterday?

_I wanna feel the way you make me feel when I'm with you,  
I wanna be the only hand you need to hold on to,  
But every time I call you don't have time,  
I guess I'll never get to call you mine.  
_

It can never be the same. It will never be the same. I still remember the short time I knew we could be together. That short while after you saved me.

The time when I gave you my deck. The time when you accepted it.

It was such a wonderful moment. It didn't matter that everything was so bad. It didn't matter you were going after Yubel for the final battle. It didn't matter that almost everyone except us was lost.

All that mattered was that you were there, next to me, and I could see in your eyes what I knew that radiated from mine as well.

You were ready to love me. You were ready to give everything for me like I was for you. And you were going to do it. That unspoken promise in you eyes made me the happiest person in the world.

Why can't it be the same now?

_You're nothing at all  
I know there's a million reasons why I shouldn't call  
With nothing to say,  
Could easily make this conversation last all day  
_

I know about you and Yubel. I heard everything. I thought I understood that. I wanted -needed- to understand it.

For you, for your choice, for your decision. I needed to cope with the situation and face it. Instead, I went and did something that stupid...

Why didn't I even think of the circumstances of my actions? Why couldn't I stop myself?

Even now... even when I got my prove the worse possible way, that what I heard was true...

Even now I can't stop thinking about you.

No... It's actually even worse than before.

I want to see you, yet I can't – if I laid eyes on you again, I'd break down.

I want to talk with you, yet I can't – I know I won't be able to find my voice.

I want to hear you out, yet I can't – I know what you need to say and I can't face it.

I thought I could, but I was wrong. I can't stand the thought that you'd choose her over me. I can't handle it.

_I wanna feel the way you make me feel when I'm with you,  
I wanna be the only hand you need to hold on to,  
But every time I call you don't have time,  
I guess I'll never get to call you mine.  
_

If it weren't for Yubel, things would have been so much easier... If it weren't for her, none of this would have happened. We wouldn't have been sent to that world; I wouldn't have been left behind; you wouldn't have returned to save me...

If it weren't for her... You wouldn't have chosen someone over me.

Why did she have to come? Why did she have to ruin everything?

And why... why am I blaming her for this? It's not her fault you made a decision like this. It's not.

Maybe if I had said it earlier... Maybe if I had mentioned it... At least showed it before all of this happened...

I know I should have said it. I know I should have showed it. We spent so much time together before this even begun...

I should have said something. Anything. I know I should have.

So why did I keep quiet? Maybe I was waiting for you. Maybe I was hoping you'll say it first...

And look at where that hope got me.

_Another lesson  
I couldn't get it to learn  
You're my obsession  
I got nowhere to turn.  
_

I cried for so long, even after Jim got me here. I don't know how long it took him, I don't know how long ago it was.

I know I'm not crying now, though. I think I can't. I no longer have any tears to lay out.

Still I would have never thought I can break down like this. I knew that one day or the other, all of this will become too much...

But I never thought you'd be around to see it. I never thought anyone would be around.

It happened too soon. Too fast. I don't want to even think what Jim's thinking about me now.

Especially after having to see me in such a condition. Especially after hearing what I did...

I don't think he said anything after I told him. I didn't hear him, at least. "A trouble shared i a trouble halved", eh? Who came up with that stupid excuse?

I didn't feel better at all. How could I?

_I wanna feel the way you make me feel when I'm with you,  
I wanna be the only hand you need to hold on to,  
I wanna feel the way you make me feel when I'm with you,  
I wanna be the only hand you need to hold on to,  
I wanna feel the way you make me feel when I'm with you,  
I wanna be the only hand you need to hold on to,  
I guess I'll never get to call you mine._


	4. Chapter 4

_A/N: Well, here's he next chapter for all of you Spiritshipping fens out there. Oh, and I'd love to use "I'd Do Anything", but I think it will go better in a later chapter. Yay for Simple Plan xP Enough from my chit-chat! On with the chapter._

_Oh, and I think all chapters will be Jesse POV, just like this one. But I'll keep mentioning it, anyway. In case you get confused._

**Choices and Decisions**

_I could stay here in darkness to dream all alone  
But the daylight follows wherever you go  
I could fade out and back down like I always do  
I can't take the chance of losing you, no  
Now I couldn't lose you_

"So," Jim's voice breaks the short silence that had surrounded us. "In short, ya love Jaden bu' he seems to have chos'n Yubel instead. Ya got pretty anxious an' kissed him, bu' the mate ended up pushing ya away. That right?"

I nod lightly from the other side of the table we're sitting on.

Figures he'd be able to summarize what I'd been mumbling for half an hour now into two simple sentences.

But said like that it seams so… simple…

The situation I'm in is nothing but simple. If it were simple, I would have found a way out of it already!

And there's no way out of this. I know it. I've faced it.

How can I find a way out of it, when that would mean to find a way away from you? I can't do that. Physically, maybe I can if I don't see you…

But there wasn't a single thought about anything else in my head all night – Of course I didn't sleep! – and morning…

Good thing Jim got me out of that bed, or else I would have spent the rest of my terrible life in it…

_I don't wanna wait for something I want  
A minute too late, the moment is gone  
I don't wanna be stuck in my head  
With nothing to show  
I don't wanna wait for something I need  
And maybe I don't know what I'm doing  
But it's the sweetest confusion_

A low growl turns my attention to the sitting under the table crocodile and I stare at it for a coupe of seconds.

Do animals love, I wonder…?

Wait… Wait! What's wrong with me!?

"I gotta agree with Shirley here, that's a new one," I clench the mug I'm holding slightly, turning my gaze back to Jim. I must look terrible if I can guess from the concerned look he's giving me. "Dun' worry 'bout it, mate! We're 'ere to help."

I find myself unable to smile even at those kind words. This entire situation messed me up too much.

"I don't even know what I need help with." I don't think I can be helped. Maybe I could have a little earlier… Before you came back.

Maybe if I had thought about it back then I could have found a way around all of this.

But now…

_It could be I'm crazy, got lost in your eyes  
Yeah it could be I'm headed for a painful surprise  
And the clock ticks on, the days are gone  
You're out on your own  
It's why I can't keep letting you go, no  
Baby all I know_

"We'll think of somethin'." He sounds sure enough…

But even that certainess can't get me in a better mood. Ever his reassuring can't make me believe it.

I move my gaze away from his face and end up looking at the couch.

A great friend I am. Making him give me his bed and forcing him on the couch for an entire night…

It would have payed off a little if I had at least slept any – which I know I couldn't.

Even though I can't really express my gratitude right now, I'm really grateful that he helped me this much. I don't know what I would have done, otherwise.

But I can't help but think I'm a bother. I hate being a bother.

But in the state I'm in… I can't really be anything else, can I?

_I don't wanna wait for something I want  
A minute too late, the moment is gone  
I don't wanna be stuck in my head  
With nothing to show  
I don't wanna wait for something I need  
And maybe I don't know what I'm doing  
But it's the sweetest confusion_

My eyes drift away once more and settle on the open window. That sight always calmed me down – the beautiful green trees that could be seen from the windows of the Obelisk Blue dorms… So refreshing and-

Wait a second…

"Hay, Jim…" I blink a couple of times. Did I miss something? "Are we still at… Duel Academy?"

This can't be real, right? It can't be real! We were supposed to be out of here!

"Wondered when you'll ask, mate," I turn at him again, this time much more lively. "There w're some problems with the ship and we'll be staying here for a little while more."

"Wh… what!?"

_And time keeps wasting away  
Silently fading  
I don't wanna wait for something I want  
A minute too late, the moment is gone  
Baby_

I rise so quickly that I sent the chair behind me flying. I spilled some of the coffee, too, I guess. It would explain the heat over my fingers.

But none of that really registers. Maybe in a distant part of my mind it does, but it doesn't matter at the moment.

We're still here. We're still on the island. That means…

You're still here. You're still so close… This can't be right. It can never be right!

I have to get as far from you as possible! How else can I do this? How else can I ever even begin to pick myself together?

But if we're still here… If we really are stuck here any longer…

What am I supposed to do!?

_I don't wanna wait for something I want  
A minute too late, the moment is gone  
I don't wanna be stuck in my head  
With nothing to show  
I don't wanna wait for something I need  
And maybe I don't know what I'm doing  
But it's the sweetest confusion_

"Woah, easy there, mate," He must have seen the panic in my eyes. I know he mush have. "We'll be heading off tomorrow mornin', so it mustn't let it get to ya." Tomorrow morning… That's soon, right? Uh, times seams to be such a bothersome thing right now…

Yet I can't help but relax a lot and let out a sigh of relief. If I can judge by the shadows I saw earlier – which isn't that reliable, but still – it's about noon.

That means half a day. I need to stay away for half a day and it'll all be fine. Only half a day. It won't be that hard, right… ?

"But, ya know, ya gotta do somethin' befo'e we sail away, mate." I look at him once again surprised. "Ya gotta go see Jaden."

WHAT!?

_No_

_I don't wanna wait for something I want  
(Where you are the daylight follows)  
I don't wanna wait for something I need  
(I don't wanna dream alone)  
I don't wanna wait for something I need  
And maybe I don't know what I'm doing  
It's the sweetest confusion, oh  
It's the sweetest confusion_


	5. Chapter 5

_A/N: Argh I feel horrible x.x I had an awful author's block for this chapter and couldn't type anything down for days. I knew what was supposed to happen and all, I just couldn't get myself to do it. And I have the feeling I did a horrible job. I hope I won't mess up the next chapter, too. And I'll try to type it as soon as possible._

_Oh, and sorry that I forgot to say the names of the songs. Here they are: The first chapter was __David Crosby – Hero__; the second was __Cher – Believe__; the third was __Simple Plan - When I'm With You__ and the forth – __Dean Geyer – I Don't Wanna Wait__. This one is __Simple Plan – Addicted_

_Jesse POV again._

**Choices and Decisions**_  
I heard you're doing OK  
But I want you to know  
I'm addict I'm addicted to you  
I can't pretend I don't care  
When you don't think about me  
Do you think I deserve this?  
__I tried to make you happy but you left anyway_

I freeze in place as my eyes fall upon the Slifer Red dormitory and Jim stops next to me, giving me a curious look.

You're here, right? I'll have to see you, to meet you, to talk with you... What am I supposed to do!?

How did he make me do this, anyway?

'Think 'bout it, Jess. The mate's so head o'er heels for ya, it's obvious. I think he didn' really choose Yubel o'er ya. But ya can't know for sure 'less you talk to 'im.'

Yep, that's how. He just had to say that to make me stop protesting.

What if you really didn't choose her? What if you had to choose her? If you didn't have a chance to make a decision?

That might mean that you would have chosen me if you had. It's that small hope that made me agree and come all the way out here to talk with you.

But now what? As I stand here, frozen in place, uncertain and hesitant, I no longer think I can do it.

I don't want to break down again, and I have the feeling that's just what's going to happen if I see you now.

I don't want to so something stupid like last time. I don't want to loose control.

Just thinking about it makes me regret coming here. I can't do it. I just can't.

_I'm trying to forget that  
I'm addicted to you  
But I want it and I need it  
I'm addicted to you  
Now it's over, can't forget what you said  
And I never wanna do this again  
Heartbreaker, heartbreaker, heartbreaker  
_

"Come on, mate," Jim tries to push me out of my hiding place between the trees and closer to the building, but I don't move.

I can't move.

It feels like my body is frozen in time and space and would no longer listen tome.

Because all I really want to do right now is to run back to Jim's room. To escape from this place and to never come here again.

Still, my feet refuse to listen to that simple request. Why does it always end up like this?

_Since the day I met you  
And after all we've been through  
I'm still adick I'm addicted to you  
I think you know that it's true  
I'd run a thousand miles to get you  
Do you think I deserve this?  
_

"I... I can't..." At least I found my voice and I managed to mutter that... Though I doubt it's going to make things any better, really.

I know Jim's right. I need to talk to you. I need to find out the reason, I need to figure out why you had to chose Yubel...

But I'm afraid. I'm afraid that what little hope Jim gave me might be lost once you state your reason. I'm afraid you didn't want to tell me why you chose her, but to apologize for doing it. I'm afraid he's wrong and you do love her more than me.

_I tried to make you happy  
I did all that I could  
Just to keep you  
But you left anyway  
_

"Ya did say ya'd do it, mate." My eyes travel for a second towards Jim, who seams displeased to say the least. It took him quite a lot of effort to drag me here and now I was baking out... Who'd blame him?

But I just can't. Really, I can't. I must be acting like a coward but... What am I supposed to do i it turns out he's wrong? It's that little hope from his words that's keeping me on my feet.

_I'm trying to forget that  
I'm addicted to you  
But I want it and I need it  
I'm addicted to you  
Now it's over, can't forget what you said  
And I never wanna do this again  
Heartbreaker, heartbreaker  
_

"I did... I just..." I just didn't know it would be this hard. I just didn't think I'd panic this much. "I know I need to do it, but..."

But how can I do it? How can I face you, ready for what little hope I have to be taken away? How can I even stand to see you again?

"I need some time, ok... ?"

It's not like all the time in the world can get me ready, though...

_How long will I be waiting?  
Until the end of time  
I don't know why I'm still waiting  
I can't make you mine  
_

"Time's somethin' ya don' really have," He raises an eyebrow at me and I know he's right.

We're leaving tomorrow. Moreover – tomorrow morning. I'm not sure if I'd even manage to get myself so close to a place you might be if I back out now...

But I really need some time. I need to think about this a little, I need to try and get back what little composure I ever had to be able to stand in front of you again. I would only do something stupid again, if I don't.

_I'm trying to forget that  
I'm addicted to you  
But I want it and I need it  
I'm addicted to you  
Now it's over  
Can't forget what you said  
And I never wanna do this again  
Heartbreaker  
_

"Tomorrow morning..." I mutter, turning to Jim. "I will talk to him tomorrow morning before we leave."

He sighs a little, but nods after that.

"If ya're sure that'd be easier for ya."

Not, it won't be easier and I know it. Still I need to get over what happened, if I possibly can in such a shot while, and then talk to you.

I just need a little time to myself to be able to face you once again. But as soon as the time we stand before each other comes...

I will not allow myself to run again. I'll do my best to hear you out and, if I can, to understand you.

Until then, all I can do, is try and prepare myself.

_Heartbreaker  
I'm addicted to you  
Heartbreaker  
I'm addicted to you  
Heartbreaker  
I'm addicted to you  
Heartbreaker  
I'm addicted to you  
Heartbreaker_


	6. Chapter 6

A/N:Thank you so much, Zakksu

_A/N:Thank you so much, Zakksu! The song is PERFECT! And it helped me out of my author's block! And I have the plan for the songs 'till the end of the FF/yes, next one is indeed I'd Do Anything, so please stop giving ideas 'couse I only get depressed I can't add them all XD_

_Oh, and about that, this FF is soon coming to its end pretty soon. After this chapter there will be two more and it's over. I just felt like mentioning that._

_The song for this chapter is __Jesse McCartney - Just so You Know__. Jesse's POV._

**Choices and Decisions**

_I shouldn't love you, but I want to  
I just can't turn away  
I shouldn't see you, but I can't move  
I can't look away _

I walk out of the room and down the stairs of the ship back to the ground. It's kind of a familiar thing now since I've already done that.

Though there's no one to say goodbye to now. It's still to early, after all. The sun hadn't even risen above the horizon and the cool breeze of the sea makes the weather kind of chilly.

I don't know why I came here, to the ship. It's not like I won't have enough time on it after we leave... But I just couldn't get myself to stay in one place.

I'm so glad Jim had some sleeping pills, otherwise I wouldn't have had any rest all night again. I've got to thank him again later. It just felt wrong to wake him up at this crazy hour.

Despite of the pills, I woke up pretty early. Not sure when exactly, but it was still dark. So I just left him a quick note and managed to sneak out...

Maybe I shouldn't have, but I couldn't just sit in the room and wait.

_And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not  
'Cause I don't know how to make the feelings stop  
_

I walk a little away from the ship and continue to follow the trail of golden sand on the beach right next to the sea and as I do that, the first rays of sunlight spread their light over the azure waves.

I can't help but turn to the beautiful morning sky, bathed in colors merging from crimson red to powder blue in such a perfect mix that only the nature can create.

It's nice to be able to think properly again. I think that nice dreamless sleep last night did the trick. I feel so much better than yesterday that I think I might actually be able to face you.

If I can keep this certainty for a few more hours, then I'm bound to be able to even talk to you. I was right that I needed a little time. But I needed a little break of all of this, too.

_Just so you know  
This feeling's takin' control  
Of me and I can't help it  
I won't sit around  
I can't let him win now  
Thought you should know  
I've tried my best to let go  
Of you but I don't want to  
I just gotta say it all before I go  
Just so you know  
_

I came to a decision after I woke up.

I won't let her win. I will not bow my head before her another time. I won't let Yubel take you.

If there's anything I can do about it, then I'll do it. Whatever it takes me!

It's the right way, after all. If even Jim's seen how you look at me, then I was right before. You did love me. And something that deep doesn't just get replaced or sent aside.

If there's any chance that you still love me – which I actually believe is possible – then I'm going to do whatever is necessary to make things right.

For both of us.

I don't care what Yubel might do. I'm not afraid of her. It doesn't matter what she's capable of doing to me, I will not give up.

_It's gettin' hard to  
Be around you  
Theres so much I can't say  
Do you want me to hide the feelings  
And look the other way  
_

Now that I realize it.. It was stupid to run away. It was cowardly, it was just wrong.

I spent so much time into panicking and being afraid, that I didn't realize how I've just wasted it. Even if it wasn't for Jim, I know we would have ended up talking one time or another.

Maybe not so soon, but I know I would have come back for you.

Because I love you. And even if things go the worst possible way, I know I'll still continue to love you.

I've loved you from the day we met. And I'll never forget what you did for me and what I was ready to do for you.

The time to show our true feelings will come pretty soon, I'm sure of that. Today. Before I leave.

Because I want –need- to see you again before I leave.

Even if it's going to make things harder again. Even if it's going to be painful.

We have to talk and there's nothing that can stop me now that I've made this decision.

_And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not  
'Cause I don't know how to make the feelings stop  
_

I'm sorry I've acted like a fool. I must have made things harder for you, too, while I was drowning in my own self pity. It was the worst possible thing that I could have done...

But I guess I can't change any of that. There are just those moments in your life when you can't control what you do or how you feel.

And in those times you do the stupidest things.

If I hadn't kissed you everything would have been so easy. Yet, just look at how complicated things are now.

Or maybe I'm just making them more and more complicated by thinking about them again. Maybe I should just go back to the ship and wait for the first person to come to talk to and get the early morning away.

Or maybe I should just go and look for you now.

_Just so you know  
This feeling's takin' control  
Of me and I can't help it  
I wont sit around  
I can't let 'him win now  
Thought you should know  
I've tried my best to let go  
Of you but I don't want to  
I just gotta say it all before I go  
Just so you know  
_

Or maybe not. Sure, I need to see you, but that doesn't mean it's going to be easy.

And maybe I'm just not prepared enough. Maybe I should just forget about this and not talk to you. What if I loose control again when I see you? Sure, I'm certain enough now, but the situation is always so much harder when it comes...

Am I really that ready to face you as I think I am?

Well... I won't get any more ready, I know this. Not with the time I have. Not with any time, actually.

And if I don't talk to you I'll regret it forever. Much more than I'd regret it if I did anything.

I can't really make things any worse any more, can I? I did the mistake when I kissed you, it won't be that bad even if I did it again.

S there's nothing, really nothing else left for me than to come and talk to you.

_This emptiness is killin' me  
Im wondering why I've waited so long  
Lookin' back I realize it was always there, just never spoken  
I'm waitin' here  
Been waitin' here  
_  
As I think of this, I realize I'm already walking trough the trees and the sun has risen above my head, casting the shadows of the trees to play their games of light and darkness on the grass beneath my feet.

It's quiet. Too quiet, actually. A lot more quieter that it's supposed to be.

No birds or other animals can be heard. Even the breeze of the sea doesn't rustle the leaves right now.

As if the forest has quieted down, waiting for something to happen.

And in this stillness of the moment, only my steps can be heard, until the air is cut by voice that makes me freeze in my tracks.

"Jesse?"

_Just so you know  
This feeling's takin' control  
Of me and I can't help it  
I wont sit around  
I can't let him win now  
Thought you should know  
I've tried my best to let go  
Of you but I don't want to  
I just gotta say it all before I go  
Just so you know  
Just so you know  
Thought you should know  
I've tried my best to let go  
Of you but I don't want to  
I just gotta say it all before I go  
Just so you know  
Just so you know_


	7. Chapter 7

_A/N: Here's the next to the last chapter! I never thought this story would end up this big, actually. In popularity or in chapters… I guess strange things happen x) So, just enjoy, please._

_Oh, and I thought I'd have problems with this chapter x.O No such thing. I just sat own in front of the computer and typed it all in one breath. I feel satisfied /which is kind of a rare thing for me… o.O/_

_The song's I'd Do Anything – Simple Plan /There, happy? xD/ Jesse POV_

**Choices and Decisions**

_Another day is going by  
I'm thinking about you all the time  
But you're out there  
And I'm here waiting_

My heart speeds up suddenly and I can practically feel it banging inside my chest, like a caged animal trying to find its way to freedom, to happiness.

My breath dies in my throat and I'm afraid I'd get quite dizzy if I don't get a little air in my lungs during the next few seconds.

I'm not moving. It's not that I'm paying any attention to what's around me, I just know that I'm not.

Because if I was I would be moving closer to your voice, to your figure that, I know, stands just a few paces in front of me.

Yet I can't reach for you again. I wouldn't dare after what I already did.

Besides, I'm not here to reach you, to be by your side...

Well, in a way, maybe I am, but...

I want to hear you out more than that. I'm afraid, of what you might say, but I'm willing to listen. Just this once I'll try to make it a little easier.

_And I wrote this letter in my head  
Cuz so many things were left unsaid  
But now you're gone  
And I can't think straight  
_

I thought about our meeting a lot last night. I repeated many different scenarios of what might happen...

But I seem to have forgotten all of them.

I thought a lot about how to approach you, about what to say...

But I've forgotten that, too.

Oh, how I hate improvising in such situations... There's the biggest possibility to mess everything up like this.

Oh, I hope I won't mess things up even more...

_This could be the one last chance  
To make you understand  
_

"I... I'm listening," My voice sounds somehow distant to my own ears. It's strange, in a way it seams like someone else said that.

But not saying it was the hardest part. I can't just stare at the ground while you're talking and I know that looking at you would be crucial...

But somehow I'm not sure weather I want to look up. I'm hesitating again, I know, I just...

I don't know what your face would look like. I don't know if I'd be able to cope with all that might be written on it.

But I have to.

Somehow I manage to get a deep breath in, as I move my eyes sharply up at your face.

A second... no, it wasn't even a second after I locked my gaze with yours that I felt...

Relief?

_I'd do anything  
Just to hold you in my arms  
To try to make you laugh  
Cuz somehow I can't put you in the past  
I'd do anything  
Just to fall asleep with you  
Will you remember me?  
Cuz I know  
I won't forget you  
_

Your eyes are just like before. The look hasn't changed. That kind, soft, caring, loving gaze of yours is still the same.

Sure, there's slight confusion and a little bit of hesitance in there, too, but it's overall the same.

The same deep chocolate eyes I saw wherever I turned.

So... you haven't given up, then?

"You chased me back then... to tell me something?" That question sounded more hopeful than I had intended it to be and I can feel a little bit better when you nod lightly. "Go ahead, then. I'm here to hear you out."

I'm not so sure I want to rush things like this. Maybe I shouldn't have done it, but...

_Together we broke all the rules  
Dreaming of dropping out of school  
And leave this place  
To never come back  
_

Looking back at everything we've been trough together... As much of a short while as it was, my stay at Duel Academy had been the best time of my life.

And it would have never been the same without you. You know that.

And everything we went trough at that other dimension... It served only to strengthen this bond, didn't it?

All of it made us closer, more concerned for each other...

It made us realize it all. It made us see those feelings that were hidden under the mask of friendship and discover just how much deeper things could be if we did something more.

It all went so well back there...

It would have been perfect if it wasn't for Yubel.

_So now maybe after all these years  
If you miss me have no fear  
I'll be here  
I'll be waiting  
_

"I'm not even sure how to say this," I blink once when you avert your gaze to the side, but not before I spot that uncertainty and hesitation in your eyes.

Maybe it was wrong to think only about myself. I should have tried to put myself in your shoes.

Maybe that way I would have seen how hard it had been for you all this time...

"You've heard about the Supreme King, right?" You turn your gaze back to look for any reaction and I quickly nod.

Of course I've heard. I was told everything about what you all went trough for me. And in a way I still can't believe you did all of that...

"Well, the truth is that he's not really who everyone thinks he is. He's not a part of me... Well, in a way he is, but..."

You're nervous and it's quite obvious from the way you're talking. You looked away again...

"Then who is he?" There I go again... I can't help but be a little curious, though. Though I thought Yubel was the only one standing between us... If this Supreme King's got something to do with it, too, things might get too complicated...

"He is, –was- a human a long time ago... In a different world or dimension, I'm not too sure. But he was alive. And I'm his reincarnation."

_This could be the one last chance to make you understand  
And I just can't let you leave me once again  
_

Now it's getting confusing. Reincarnation? Different world or dimension?

How does that have to do anything with the here and now?

"Back then Yubel," I can't help but visibly flinch at the mention of the name. I knew it'd come to this point at one time or another...

I can feel my palms sweating and my heart beating harder again... I wish I could ask all of those questions that are raging in my head... What will you say? What do you feel for her?

Did you chose her before me? Did you?

"She was also alive and was his... uh... guardian, that's the word. And she did something... She went trough some operation that turned her into what she is right now."

You pause for a second and give me a little while to think trough this. Yubel being alive? Together with the Supreme King... Guarding him?

How does that fit in your story, Jaden?

"The Supreme King tried to express his gratitude the only way he saw fit back then. He..." You finally turn to face me again and we lock stares, "promised her his love."

_I'd do anything  
Just to hold you in my arms  
To try to make you laugh  
Cuz somehow I can't put you in the past  
I'd do anything  
Just to fall asleep with you  
Will you remember me?  
Cuz I know  
I won't forget you  
_

My eyes widen in surprise and disbelief.

Did you just say that!? He promised his love to Yubel? Is that it? Is that all?

"I need you to understand, Jesse."

_Need _me to understand...?

"Sure, I'm not him entirely, but in a way he's a part of me and... I can't break that promise."

I must have a really stupid expression on my face right now. I'm speechless, dumbstruck, mute and every other synonym you can come up with.

It was a promise? And even not a promise you made?

So then... You didn't really have a choice? You didn't really chose her over me?

None of this... none of this was due to your decision...

_I close my eyes  
And all I see is you  
I close my eyes  
I try to sleep  
I can't forget you  
And I'd do anything for you  
_

I can feel a small smile to spread over my lips as I keep our gazes locked.

I can see your impatience in your eyes. Your fear.

It was the same for you, then? You feared my reaction as much as I feared your words...

But I guess you were the braver one, Jay. It took you just a couple of seconds to dash after me and it took me over a day to face before you.

"How could I be such an idiot?"

I shake my head lightly. I still can't really believe it. You said that, you really did!

"Jess?"

"I thought..." It's my turn to turn my eyes away, knowing I have to face everything now. "I thought you chose Yubel over me... I thought you loved her more..."

I can hear what seams like a quiet gasp from you, but I still don't dare to look at you again.

"I'm sorry." I feel like the biggest fool now. What would you think of me after this...?

_I'd do anything  
Just to hold you in my arms  
To try to make you laugh  
Cuz somehow I can't put you in the past  
I'd do anything  
Just to fall asleep with you  
_

Your sudden movement snaps me out of my trance and I look up just in time to see you in front of me.

Wait, wha-

I can't even speak. I can't even move. My entire body's frozen for a second while my brain tries to process all of this.

And when it finally does, I realize it.

You're kissing me.

Your soft lips are on top of mine and it feels just like the first time. Within seconds I'm completely swallowed up by the moment and I kiss you back.

It's like electricity running up and down my entire body. Like something is tearing us away from reality and sending us to a place and time where no one else exists. Where no one else can stand between us.

It's a world so illusionary, yet so real. So true, yet so fake.

So sweet yet so bitter.

And it's like eternity passed again and again, before we pulled away. I find myself staring into your chocolate orbs and nothing else matters. Only your hands wrapped around me and your soft words, barely above a whisper:

"I'd never chose anyone before you."

_I'd do anything  
To fall asleep with you  
I'd do anything  
There's nothing I won't do  
I'd do anything  
To fall asleep with you  
I'd do anything  
Cuz I know  
I won't forget you_


End file.
